Life

Life post, excluding work and women.

have to say in the past, i'm not sure there was life. i mean everything i did revolved around work and meeting new women.

but looking around my apartment, i can't believe i can say that. i have far too many toys. diecast cars everywhere; i guess they are dreams of what i'd love to have.
music and movies: the movies are in insane, i have over 1000 titles. i let them kind of take over. am i gonna slow down, yes and no. movies i have more than i do music, but i love that anything i want to listen to, or watch i probably have it.

but the look of my apartment is slowly changing. it's changing more in my mind than anything. but for me, seeing it first is a huge step. it's kind of like the stories i see in my head, i actaully see them, not the words but the actions. my apartment has stuff everywhere. but i want to change it so that it reflects more of who i am, not what i want. i like what i have, but i need some open space so i can dreaam more. i feel like the more i fill up, the less i can dream.

this year i have felt aan energy in me that i think i knew was there but forgot about. the energy of when i was younger is boiling to the top and coming thru the pores of the present me. it feels good.

everything feels good. the weight loss makes me want more. the clearity makes me want more.

the car accident/lawsuit could still be 2 years or more away. to me, the settlement to that is gonna spring me back to where i want to be. but i can't wait, i want that now.
the things i want that require money, they aren't gonna happen easy. working more will help but i have to get used to a constatnt pain level to do that.

the Pain:
yeah, i still have some. they have done so much to relieve it and the last treatment they actually burned the nerves in my neck. sounds intense, i know. the neck feels good.
but honestly, my middle back has always hurt and i have told them that everytime. does it still hurt? it never stopped. low back is good and same is neck. but they have never done anything for the mid back no matter what i tell them. so to me, i figure the back is hurt because it is strained by the weight it carries. did i hurt before the accident? no. was i this heavy? heavier.

i'm tired of treatments and am willing to endure the pain to get the accident/lawsuit finished. that is one more set of streeful situautions that i don't have to deal with. i want to and will lose more weight. doc wanted me at a target of 280 lbs, i want 250-260lbs. that is a long way, but i WANT it and am building up the fuel i need to get there.