Instincts

i've know for sometime now that things weren't right.

i told her in the beginning that the number one thing i want is honesty. well, i finally got it out of her that she doesn't want to see me anymore. she said she has wanted to but with my depression kicking my ass as of late, she was hesitant to say anything.
just goes to show, she doesn't understand depression; granted even those that have it don't understand.

so, 3 days before 1 year, we are done. and it's not like we are gonna take time apart and try to see if we can rekindle what was there. how do i know this? from text messages from here (she prefers to text over talking, at least to me that is). i jokingly said something about "just a little messing around".
her response was "no touching at all."
me, "sorry, didn't know it was that bad."
her, "not bad."
me, "?"
her, "the sex."
me, "that was not what i meant. wow, thanks anyway. i meant about us."
her, "i don't know how to respond to that."

that was that, i figured she said what she wanted to say with that comment. for many months i knew, by instinct alone, i knew that something wasn't right. the only thing i was able to do was to pull my feelings back, to protect my own heart. damn, i hate being right sometimes.

guess things were worse than i thought, sucks to find out this way. oh well.

i don't think she ever really cared about my feelings anyway. even so, i still feel like someone kicked me in the heart. no matter the age, this never gets any easier!