Love is not lost!

Most any time in my life, knowing what to say and when to say it has been simple. I am driven by so many things, mostly love and life. But, I’m not perfect and at times I miss the key times to say the right things. I think it comes to when I have to think hard what to say, that it just seems so difficult. But then again, maybe the difficulty for me is that I can feel what I want to say in my heart and it is difficult to translate for someone else to hear.

I like to write. I have enjoyed the blogs and have written a lot about personal feelings and life experiences. But for about the last 6 months, I have slipped into a dark place in my life that was just too hard to write about. All of what has happened is hard to write about, but the major stuff I can now talk some about and like everything else in my life, I believe if I start with one thing and move on from there, it will help me get better. So, just as a warning, bear with my emotions running wild, as they may take on a life of their own.

On 12/6/06 I had a real bad day. The week, month, 7 months, 3.5 years before that one day finally built up to a point that I couldn’t translate what I needed to say. The simple things that were coming out were very bad, they weren’t me anymore. The company’s paid shrink proceeded to diagnose me as having a nervous break down. Honestly, I knew afterwards that something was wrong with me, I had changed, but I just didn’t like that guy. And as our appointment was over, he referred me to a psychologist and said he would call me to schedule additional appointments. Crazy thing, neither called and as broke as I am on 60% pay, I just said fuck-it, I don’t want there help and I don’t want there drugs; this is something I need to work through. Five months later, I'm still struggling, but things are getting better. In fact, until now, only a few people knew I had a breakdown; for me to talk about it now just makes me that much stronger and healthier once more.

On 2/17/07, one Saturday morning, I got a phone call from one of my best and dearest friends, her husband Brad died. Every time I think of that phone call, I have a hard time not losing it; for her, on that day, I didn’t. One of the hardest things for me, was to try to find that part of me that could be strong for her and her family, the part of my heart that has always been strong for my friends, I knew it was there. Brad was a decent guy, granted I have to admit it took me just as long to like him as it did for him to like me. My friend Dee I could tell absolute anything to and as the years went but, I felt that Brad and I were getting closer as friends, I could tell him just about anything. 36 years old is too young to die; I turned 39 last week, my older brother is turning 50 soon, my mom just turned 70.

When I think about Brad, I get too many mixed emotions. I miss him, I feel the pain his kids and wife feel for missing him and I'm mad as hell at him. His death was accidental, he was sick, had medical problems no one knew about and while trying to get better, it was just bad luck with what meds he had taken; it could have happened to anyone. But the pains in that house, as a friend, all I can do is be available, be near and try to help. I have told them, they can call on me whenever; they always have and always will have a piece of my heart to lean on. What makes me afraid for more than anything is that I won’t be there when they need someone the most, especially Dee as she now has such incredible weight on her shoulders.

Over the years, I believe Brad was always cautious around me as he felt I had an interest to be more than friends with his wife. What he didn’t know, was that I was jealous of him, of what he had. At times I felt like he didn’t realize what he had, with his wife and kids and he was missing the best parts of what it is like to be loved. They say to have loved and lost is better than never loving at all. I have loved and I have lost, but being alone is the hardest thing a heart can go through as I have know being alone for too many years. Being around my friend Dee and her family, making me a part of her family, has kept my heart mended and strong. Have I ever had other intentions towards Dee, other than being friends? I love my friend, I always have; I love her family and we are just friends. She is a friend that I would do anything for, even if she didn’t ask.

Brad never had anything to worry about from me, I just always wanted to make sure Dee was safe and loved and she was and still is. I will say that I am glad that this past New Year’s Eve I got a chance to tell Brad that I loved him as a dear friend and he told me he loved me too. Now granted, the deep emotions didn’t come out till a lot of alcohol was consumed, but I know he meant what he said as he had said it more than once and that meant a lot. When they had his wake, I apologized to the family because I couldn’t go; I couldn’t see him like that for the last time. (Damn you Brad, this is hard to write about, I miss you, you… chubby little troll.) The last images I have of him are from New Year’s Eve and they are followed by hundreds more of being around him and his family for more than 15 years. And even though there were good and bad times, the good times come to the surface a lot more than I would think; Brad was good at being an asshole, but he was also good at being a friend, father and husband.

And now what can I do to help the family? I love you Dee, I always will as I know that life without you near would be a life without love and I have no way to imagine that. You will always have me in your heart and I will always be near for you and your family for anything you may or may not need. Her kids have referred to me as ‘Uncle Dan’ over the years; my actual nieces and nephews live far enough away, I really never knew what it was to be an uncle. They welcome me into their home and at times, turn to me for help. Thanks, I need that.

So, for someone like me that likes to write as it is a way for me to translate all the feelings I have, why now? Well, Chris’s 18^th b-day started some deep soul searching for me. He was in a lot of pain and the only things I could really say to him was just how much I missed his father too and that as often as Brad was mad at him, he was proud of Chris. I think about the pain he was feeling now and I now remember how honored Brad was to be able to adopt him. As mad as I have been about Brad leaving, for some reason I can remember things now that I don’t think I really thought about.

Part 2, the emotion that started this page, Love. Stephy, she is going to be 16 in July, she is hurting a lot. My parents are still alive and so are all my brothers, I have never lost anyone close to me like this family has. But the pain I see from Stephy reminds me so much of the pain I had when I was 14-15 when my parents divorced. My brothers were all moved away, I had no one to talk to or fight with. My friends were at a loss as my parents were among the first that got divorced it seemed. My mom, she wasn’t available to me like Dee is to Steph, her hurt was a lot that bled on me. From 15-25 were some of my hardest days of my life, things I did I'm still not comfortable talking about. I was confused and hurt and seeing pain like that again, I have to be able to put into words what I felt and why I don’t want to see Stephy go thru the same. And why her dad would be disappointed to see her do less than she is able to.

Damn, Stephy is a smart kid, her dad saw that. We would talk sometimes about how he really felt that anything she wanted, she could have it. She is smart, strong, hard headed (too much like her dad) and she has a powerful spirit, so much so that when you meet her, you know she is going to do something great. Brad and Dee believed that, I just hope Stephy sees that too, she is meant for so much more.

I think a large part of my own healing, is being able to help Brad’s family. No one word or action will make things better, but maybe over time, the love that was so strong will be again.

This is for you Brad!