honesty

is it really that hard to find someone that you can be honest with?
someone that you can tell everything to, no matter what?
someone that will respect you?
someone that wants to be your partner?

i guess from the current stats on divorce rates, as of May 2005 at 38%, things are getting better. in 1992 it was at 48%. but i have to wonder if that number is down becuase people are honest, or is it down cause not as many get married?

for a guy that has never been, and for that matter probably never will be, i have to wonder, why bother?

friends that are married and/or have kids tell me i have no idea what it is like dealing with marriage. but then again, they have no clue what is like to wake up every morning to an empty bed and quite house. to them, it may sound like heaven. to me, it is nothing short of hell.

i wasn't put on this Earth to die alone. sure i have friends and family that are close, but no true love that can hold my heart.

i've tried the internet dating shit, but i have met more insane people there. so, should i try to the bars or supermarkets? should i just go by the belief that "if it's meant to happen, it will happen?"
i thought it would happen, guess i just have to keep trying. maybe i need to move, to some where like St.Louis sounds good.
only problem with that, i'm so close to my dad and brother, i don't want to leave, i can't leave.

i think i have a better chance of getting injured or be struck by some disease then i do of finding my partner in life. damn, i'm nearly 40 and i still haven't found anyone to love me. for that matter, i can't say that any of my "true loves" ever loved me. shit, for that matter, i don't think i know what that even means.

i've spent years, like my brother Tom distracting myself so i won't get depressed by being alone. with all my distractions, i'm still depressed as hell.

this rambling has nothing to do with my friend Tracie (as i know she will probably think it is).
this is about ME, as it seems that i tend to be forgotten.
i am mad at myself, in regards to her, because i knew what could and what couldn't happen. i knew it in my soul, but i thought that if i showed her that someone does care about her, it would make a difference.

but like her, i guess i'm the same, i just won't change.

it all come down to me, what do i want to do?

i finally decided that i wanted to lose weight and in the last year, i've lost 30lbs. only problem is, is that i'm stuck there. i need to do more, more for myself.
but as i do stuff like that, then i just get more depressed.

yeah, i know, it makes no sense.
i told myself a year ago i needed to make a change. that maybe if my surroundings were different, that maybe i'd change and wouldn't be so depressed.

it didn't happen.

i guess i need to be happy in my own place before i try to make others happy cause all i have done is suppressed my own desires and wants because i was afraid to feel.

my dad and i were talking about life. i don't believe we any set direction or that our life is planned out for us. we both believe that as much as we may want to do one thing or another, life will present us with an option. an option to do this job, this carreer, have this friend, love this woman and go that direction.
i want to have my hobbies, i don't want them to be my job. but how hard is it to find a job that you want to go to everyday? it has to exsist, doesn't it? i mean there are people out there that can have a smile while they work.
there are those that can see a future doing what they like and not getting bored.

well, as i may not be likeing what life has offereing me, i think i need to look at more of life's offers to see where else i can go.