Distraction

been almost a week since i posted.
one friend asked how as i was doing as it was unusual that there weren't more post.
have to admit, i do tend to write a lot in here from time to time. and then there are times that i get distracted enough that i just don't get to.

but trust, there is plenty, always is to write about.
as that refers to my thoughts, feelings, people in my life and finally my stories.
all my writing didn't start with Tracie, i've written with much passion for a long time.

my friend Coyote wrote a story years back, well the beginning of one. Coyote is an artist and also a writer, as for me, i just a writer with no artistict ability.
the story we did that was aimed at being a comic book just never went anywhere. different reasons why we didn't pursue it, but one for me was that i wanted to re-write it..

the story was called "The Hope". he was a an unlikely superhero that after being let down by those that trained him, found him in a place where he could make a difference.
a lot of names i used in the story were borrowed from freiends and family. the nice thing about doing that was that i would take some characteristics from the actual person and add to my character. granted sometimes i didn't, but when i did it just added to the stregth of that character.

that first story was written with a lot of action in it plus it did have some good back story too.
over the last couple years i've been working on a different character/story but as of late have decided to combine the two. the newer story and main character has more to do with me and the things i never talk about.
granted, some of that stuff some of my friends will recognize as it has to do with love and life. and contray to what someone may think, a lot of it was in the works before Tracie and i started hanging out more.

so, when see something different, maybe just start with "chapter one", then that is what that is all about.

other distractions?
yeah, Tracie of course has been one.
i don't get that girl and as of late i wonder if i really want to.
ok, they may sound bad, but she isn't the same person as she was just a little whiel ago. honestly, she is the same person she was last fall, but has convinced herself somehow that her X and her can just be friends and have some fun. but, i guess i'm the only one that sees that nothing has really changed.

she made a comment in an email to me this past weekend, it only stuck out to me as she said the same thing on November 1st.
i do have a good memory, but i do forget things from time to time. so, i save emails, have the "message archive" on Yahoo Mesenger set so i can view any and all messages and then i have my blog so i can write stuff down when i feel them.

i was looking for something said the other day, read quite a bit. so when she said the same thing this past weekend, well lets say i was kind of bummed for her.
i don't want to see her get hurt, she's my friend, but this i can't help.
but as her friend i can try to be there for her and do all i can to make her smile. sometimes i think that even just the smiles aren't worth the time. but i am a hopeless fool, so i can't help but try.

in the last few weeks, i have really seen all the reasons why we never would work out. i mean a lot of those things i knew, but as much as i comprimise and try to give a little here and there, with her there ain't no way in hell it would ever work. i know from time to time she doesn't say what she feels, but for me i don't. i do say those things and sometimes i get to the point that it doesn't make any sense to.
i know she won't ever change from the person she is.
i know that she will never compromise what her wants or beliefs for someone like me.
i know that she will do anything to get that one things she wants, even if he doesn't want it.
i know that as much as that crazy Polock annoys the shit out of me, that i will always love her as my friend.

but sometimes, around her i just get tired.
tired of always her trying to make me feel i'm wrong.
i'm a sarcastic person at times and it does get worse when no matter what i say, i'm still being acused as the wrong one, when i know i'm right.

that happened yestaurday. i was sarcastic as hell with Tracie. it started when i got to her house
the 'expert' (her friend and X, Harry) started turning off progrmas to speed her start-up.

i suggested this some time ago and was told by her that she wanted all that and not to change it. i tried to explain that all that stuff was slowing her down and having programs installed on the desktop was also slowing start-up. but once i installed Norton's on her computer, it slowed down more and it was all my fault. no matter how many times i tried to explain the importance, she never wanted to hear it, from me that is.

so, they started turning things off that ran at start up and what happened was it goofed up NIS and probably NAV also as they were installed after all the other crap was already there. i wanted to get her to sit down and go through stuff with me on her computer but she never had time to, until the 'expert' came over that is.
Norton's configured itself to the way the system was running and by shutting programs down it changed what Norton's was used to. i only put that stuff on, over the top of everything she had running because i was concerned for her getting anymore crap in there.
i will say that until her PC, i've never seen Adaware and Nortons not be able to run a full scan.

when she demanded i turned off the Internet Security, i just did as it seemed pointless to try to explain anymore. i sent her an email last night and this morning trying to explain what she wouldn't let me yestaurday. i know that i will probably be getting an angry email in response, oh well. i tried to help, but 'my' help she didn't want because i don't call myself an expert.
and granted, i'm not an expert. but when it comes to what i do know, it's from experience and from learning as much as i can on the topics and i have to say that i have done quite well as i have two machines that run very good.
probably shouldn't say it, but both my PCs have slower processors then Tracie's PC, but with the way they are configured and the better componets they have, they both start up faster than hers does.

my slow machine has a 900 Mhz processor in it with the old (PC133) Ram and 2 fast hard drives (one Quantum Fireball and the other is a Seagate Barracuda - both designed by the same people) and the start-up for that machine is a total of 90 seconds.
my other has a 1900Mhz with 2100 DDR ram (so not the fastest) and a Barracuda in it with the 8Mb cache and start-up for this one is about 40 seconds.
i've been wanting to build a new system, but just can't do it untill i get some more overtime worked and get some money in the bank. i figure i'll need atleast about $500 to get a system started and can upgrade some of the stuff later on. nice thing is i'll be able to double the speed of of my fast machine.

may seem strange that i do have 2 PCs and want to build another. i mean the 2nd machine here was suppose to be a back up machine if anything ever went wrong with this one. but for the last year or so, i use both at the same time just about everyday. call me crazy

well, as some of my friends may not take my suggestions, i know others do appreciate them.

don't get me wrong, Tracie isn't as bad as i may have made her out to be, we just seemed to be the extreme opposites at times.
i do things and believe in things differently that she does.
she is very stubborn ...kind of 'her way or the highway' at times.
me, i'm open minded and like to learn.

we do have some good moments and those can make up for some of the rest. but at times i just want to be as far aways from her as i can and other times i tell her i miss being around her.

she is a goofy kind of friend.

and as life goes by, having different people and things in out life i think makes us stronger.

as for me, my friends make up some of the best parts of me....not sure how some of them fit in that anymore, but they are always on my mind.
but i must say, that i'm still looking for that one person to share my life with like no other.
marriage? honestly, i don't think so.
i want a partner in life, just don't believe we need a certificate saying we love each other. this is how i have felt for a lot of years, still do from time to time. maybe someone, someday will change my thought on that, but i'm not out to find her. maybe from time to time, but i need my time so i hope she is looking for me too and i just pray she doesn't likes me cause i remind her of a relative.