The Motions

single again, automatically back in the motions of looking for a new mate.

just a week ago i went and visited the "ex" and we gave each other our stuff back. we had a real good day hanging out and as much as i know we are just friends, i so wanted to kiss her. but i managed to keep my cool and get through the good day we had.

one of things i brought back home was a new pillow i had at her house. didn't even think about changing the pillow case, figured it was clean (i bought that pillow case). one night i woke up crying and didn't know why, figure it was a bad dream and went back to sleep. and then it happened again and then i realized i had rolled over onto that pillow and when i took a deep breath i could smell her.

our relationship had been drifting further and further apart so when she broke it off i said i was ok with it. but i'm a fool as i am not fine with it, i miss her. and what sucks most of all is even though we were together, i missed HER since last year.
she had changed so much and was so withdrawn, it's taken me 7 months to realize how much i missed the real her. but then maybe that wasn't really her, but who i wanted her to be.

so, now i go through the motions; honestly i don't know if i can. i say that now, but once i do meet someone good i will say different. i guess most of all, i hate being alone. this past weekend, i could have turned my phone off as no one called. being alone i hate, but i guess some of all of this comes back to how i see myself.
i just don't have what i used to when it comes to trying again and again. what can i say, she got to my heart and i didn't think she did. and worst part is i don't want to let that part go, but if i don't i'll lose her completely.

the pillow i can't sleep with every night. sometimes due to the crying and also because her sent isn't as strong, i'm afraid i'll lose it completely. and there is no way i can tell her this as i don't want her to feel bad or feel we should be completely apart.

the personal page i met her on, she just changed her pictures and i must say they are incredible pictures. honestly, they are the first pictures i've seen her post that really show her beauty.
and as happy as i am that she feels good enough to show pix like that, i'm also heart broken as i feel like i really am losing her.

so, back to the dating sites? or do i just long in from time to time to make the "ex" feel good; thinking that i'm trying to move on?
i don't want her to hurt, she shouldn't hurt over me